Selena Gomez reports for Gender Training Duty called Colour Your World

You can't blame Selena Gomez for thinking that Hillsong is related to Christianity. She grew up on the set of Disney.  She probably doesn't know that Winnie-the-Pooh isn't American and that Piglet never had a snout.

So you can't blame her for the picture above. I mean you can for the whatinjustinbieber2008sk8rboihellisshewearing outfit, but not for the book. It says BIBLE on it, and just because it was written by Joyce Meyer, who is Selena to know that theology is a thing? She's used to doing whatever the producers say to do, and these ones say 'god' a lot so they must know stuff.

I used to see her when my son was growing up on her show called Witches of Waverly Place. She played that dumb-sister-Mallory-from-Family -Ties kind of character, which everybody loves. She was totally better than Demi Levato and it was great seeing a new gen of Mouseketeers get trained into anxiety disorders, while being handed a series and singing career. So I've known her a while, and I still think she's better than Demi, but I thought Jessica Simpson was going places, so time will tell.

Selena is in town in Sydney for Hillsong Gender Training in the form of a conference called Colour Your World. I, for one, could not be more thrilled. Well, I guess Culty Carl, as my favourite website dlisted.com calls him and what we will always call him now,  and the Global Senior Pastors, as they have now Christened themselves, Brian and Bobbie would be, because they have a Katie Holmes for their Tom Cruise. She spent her first days in Australia doing what all good Hillsong women do, flaunting their wealth with as few clothes on as possible.

Selena Gomez was the most followed person on Instagram for 2016 and 2017 and her on again/off again boyfriend, Justin Bieber has followers on Twitter called beliebers that send death threats to girls he is seen in public with. Justin and Selena already have a worshippers of their own, so the smart cookies at Hillsong know that whatever Justin and Selena do, millions of tweens and teens and the Twighlight watching moms will do also,  automatically, feverishly and repeatedly. All Justin would have to do is tweet someone back and they'd be at Hillsong for life. They're old hands at culting it up.

Hillsong has changed Justin and he frequently credits it with bringing back religion and joy to his life. It's totally brought him closer to god in the way that only Hillsong can, by making it all about you.

he's been leading a cult all his life. he's thiiiiis close to being jesus.

This is why Culty Carl and Justin are BFFFFFFFFFs. It's been suggested to me by a gay male friend that the pics of Justin and Carl say more than bromance, but that's ridiculous because Carl is married with kids, like the founding father of Hillsong, Frank Houston was, and Frank always traveled with handsome young men, and that was entirely innocent.

just the married dad pastor of Hillsong NYC and his much younger best friend.

nothing  to see here.

The funny part is they make it sound like all the congregants get intensive help from their pastor, when finding pastoral care at Hillsong is like finding someone working at Kmart who actually knows when the next shipment is due. It doesn't happen. Hillsong is a one way show. There is no place to take your problems.

So, no one is shooting hoops with the pastor. Except Justin. But he didn't fall into the religion. His mother literally hypnotised him as a kid by making him listen to Judah Smith recordings. Judah is a good mate of Culty Carl's. The progression was as natural as a youtube career.

But back to Selena. She hasn't had an easy time. Her boyfriend used to do all kinds of stupid and cringey things before Culty Carl took over. He also used to make music and think his own thoughts, but there'll be none of that now. He's in training for something bigger. 

Selena  had a kidney transplant last year from her best girlfriend due to ongoing issues with lupus. She also has had a few stints in rehabs for anxiety including one in Tennessee at an undisclosed location, and I'm totally convinced that it was Mercy Ministries or Mercy Multiplied. So life isn't easy at the top, which is why it's great she has support of the gang while she goes through another split with Justin, following the relationship counseling that Hillsong (Carl) provided. I repeat: this is not a cult. The leaders control your relationships, where you go to rehab, spend intensive time with you, tell you what friends you can have and what do with your career. It's called caring about the influences on your life. Like how Jim Jones cared about his People and their Temple, or how Hef cared about the Playmates at his mansion.

I hope she has a great time learning to be a good wife at the women's conference. It's not one of those career-focused thingys that other women go to. It's going to break the Lord's heart, and bank account, if these two don't get married, so while she can have fun with her sisters, she'd better be taking notes on how to be  Bobbie.

She'd better move fast, too. Justin has already has, so she needs to find out what plans 'God' has for her. Now that Hillsong's mate, Joyce Meyer writes the bible herself, it's even easier to know. The Lord of televangelism works in not so mysterious ways.

Poor Selena. With anxiety, lupus, and a mother who doesn't like her boyfriend, she'd better take good notes on how to be a #pastorswife, or Carl's going to find her replacement. Lucky he's speaking at the women's conference. That's how you know it's a good one - when the powerful men stop by to help the women know what to do.

When do we tell her that being a Disney Princess is as real as being a Hillsong Princess, and about as empowering? Or would that ruin all the Fantasia fun she's having?

A Letter To Cassandra Thorburn

Hi Cass,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you by your first name. Like some other recent events, you haven’t had much choice in your name being public. And with the way they make your ex-husband and his co host appear like a warped breakfast family, I thought we were all on some kind of first name basis. Karl, Lisa, Cassandra and oh, look, now there’s Jasmine.

Or more aptly, Miss Mid Life Crisis. Now, none of us fell for the pictures of ‘loved up Karl and his MLC’ at the various events he’s been running off to. But the last couple of days, she’s been wearing a ring. Oh, Cass. He’s marrying his red convertible! I so would have  brought the cake and got drunk with you on cooking sherry while me and the 800 million other women, and men, who get it spluttered with mirth  and took bets on how long this commitment to his toupe can last.

Except you seem to have higher standards than me. You’ve shown nothing but grace under fire. Perhaps you would only have got tipsy.

It’s so predictable. We all know what’s next, right? Karl and his MLC’s crassly expensive wedding, then MLC’s rumoured pregnancy and then finally, the baby. I’m calling 2 years tops til there’s an MLC jr. Cos this MLC isn’t stupid. They’re good, these young ones, the designers, at holding back the bile. She’ll wait patiently until her slipper business takes off, and then she will too, with the baby of course, leaving Karl ‘devastated’, ‘shocked’, ‘heartbroken.’

Sounds familiar.

They say you came home from the grocery run  to find that the man with whom you have worked alongside for 21 years to create a world and family of your own had his suitcase all packed. Just as well you didn’t stop for petrol on the way home, or you might have just got a text. Seems like that kind of guy.

You were blindsided, they say. We’ve all been there. It’s like the sky falls in on the earthquake. But what this man did was make it public. Because he thinks he’s Australia’s big brother or fun uncle, when it’s clear from his actions alone post-Woolworths, (he didn’t make you go to Aldi did he?)  that he’s a spineless sociopath.

In contrast, you’ve acted with remarkable elegance, dignity and integrity. You’ve made the information clear and brief. Millions of Sydney dollars don’t fill the giant hole he left in your family when he had his identity freakout at your expense. And  you’re not playing ball.

‘Dead to me’, is an excellent turn of phrase. Bravo.

In any other universe, he would be a laughing stock. An early 40s guy who wears the same suit every day,  who leaves his happy family to run off with his MLC. They’re all doing it, aren’t they? Ewan McGregor, that football coach, even the marriage experts, like Barnaby Joyce. Those precious moments in the maternity ward mean nothing when you’re looking 50 or 60 straight in the face. And to top it off, the new girls think it’s going to be different with them! Oh, Cass, have you got a corkscrew? My sides have split.

But in the hick town called Australia, Karl has an advantage. He’s Jamie Packer’s mate. Goes on his boat. Laughs at his jokes. You probably helped nurture those relationships in the interest of his career and his social life.  Probably stayed home while he was out with his big shot mates schmoozing and drinking and honing his charisma. And his sociopathy.

So I just wanted you to know that there’s at least 800 million of us that get it. Woman’s Day can flog it any way they want, but it’s the same old story. We can see it in her eyes, and we can see it in his. And most of all, you exceptional lady, we can see it in yours. We look forward to your every success.

Writing again....

So clearly it's been a while since I was here and mainly that's because I'm easily distracted and these missives can be a lot of WORK. 

It appears the last time I was inspired was the story of Elle McPherson's wedding. 

Elle had been dating the other billionaire, Arpie Busson for 9 years,  had two children with him and frankly, it was a slap in the face to Australia not only that he didn't marry Our The Body, but that he proposed to Uma Thurman not long after starting a relationship with her. 

Cut to last week and Uma is suing Arpie for custody of their 2-year-old daughter. Looks like he's not the marrying kind of billionaire and Uma should never have thought she could outdo a CARB (cutthroat Australian in a relationship with a billionaire). 

So that's where we're up to with that. Now I can talk about some Hillsong stuff again.