We need to start talking with people seriously about who they think Facebook is.
We've known and suffered for a while with the Facebook Mothers, who declare every movement of their baby like it's the invention of the wheel and their Jayden's first steps are like man walking on the moon. I'm not talking about the regular Facebook Showoffs who post endless Instagrams of their kids looking angelic, while their still attractive spouse smiles on. I'm referring to those mothers, ( and no I haven't come across too many fathers but with the innovations in IVF, I'm sure it won't be long) whose status updates are along the lines of :
"Olivia woke up 15 minutes early from her nap. That's twice this week!
Olivia went for a walk to the park but then she spewed up so we went home.
Here's a picture of Olivia asleep with ice cream on her face.
Some of them have argued to me that they do it for their distant family. Must be a big family. Can't they email those things? Personally, I don't know where to look and one day all the Olivias of the world are going to rise up. There will be a class action suit by the Children of The Zuckerberg. Their every bathtime moment available to the world forevermore, they will have nothing to lose.
But lately I've been wondering more about the peeps who tell me how their day was, like Facebook is their mommy. 'Got to work late today and realised I'd left my lunch at home. Only had $1 on me in cash and the cafeteria doesn't take cards. I can't believe how dumb that is.'
Sorry honey, Mama will fix you a big dinner when you get home? I mean what are we supposed to say to these people? I don't think they're there for honesty.
Or "I've decided to go on a raw food diet so I can lose weight and get
healthy. I'll probably eat vegetables mostly, but also some grains that
don't need cooking." Congratulations?
"Just got in from a run. I feel great." Good for you. I just did the grocery shopping. Wanna know what discounts I picked up?
Cause it's boring. Check yourself, people. If you think there's some way the reader could actually relate to your announcements, post away. But if you're searching for someone to find pleasure in your most humdrum activities, spare the rest of us and call your mum, or grandma or whoever it is that you need that hair tussle from.
Who are you talking to when you press Post?