An Introduction to CARBs or How the hell did Holly Vallance do that?

Australians are incredible achievers. While we have a reputation as a bunch of hooligans who surf all day while drinking beer, there's the other ones who compete on a global level and tear strips off their competitors. And we love a prize to show Mum.

We refuse to leave the Olympics unless there's a medal for every six people in the population. We see breakthroughs in science that change history.  There's always an Aussie lurking in the hallways of excellence in any given competition, some freak Julian Assange ready to take home the trophy.

But my favourite local champs are the CARCs especially the CARBs that Holly Valance has now sealed. Australians have an eerie way of nabbing a high profile celebrity and piggy backing that star all around the universe. Cutthroat Australians in Relationships with Celebrities, or CARCs are nothing new. But Holly Valance has just won gold again for the nation by becoming one of our newest Cuthroat Australians in Relationships with Billionaires, or CARBs, by marrying property developer Greek Nick Candy this weekend. Holly Candy. Paris Hilton is filling in visa forms to immigrate as we speak.

Most of you won't remember who Holly Valance is/was and that's for the best where your brain's concerned. She stood around on Neighbours for a while, and did some Melissa Tzkautz type singing and then, she went to court with her manager which is the standard Aussie starlet tale.

We all know what Nicole Kidman did to get famous. I saw that Days of Thunder and she was no neurologist. She is our best CARC to date. She did whatever it took to make her career happen, smiling her sweet psychotic smirk everywhere she went with Tom Cruise. After that, every little girl from Perth to Port Macquarie wanted to be a CARC when they grew up. So great.

Peter Andre married the overpriced Jordan, which was probably like being at one of Molly Meldurm's afterparties anyway.  Naomi Watts was just in a cutthroat relationship with Kidman for the fifteen years.  Worked like a charm. CARCs are like pitbulls only meaner.

Portia de Rossi aka Mandy from Melbourne dumped Ringo Starr's stepdaughter Francesca to homewreck Ellen's life and got herself married off real nice. She took the easiest path by ignoring all the men and targeting a power lesbian. Extra cutthroat. GO AUSSIE.

take that Thorpey

take that Thorpey

Then model-for-five-seconds and political granddaughter Krissy Hinze did Ok with the Netscape guy. They have a nice boat and a nice baby now. She was our reigning CARB until now. Poor failed CARC Sophie Monk, so close to Nicole Richie and now so far, she ordered triple her collagen from her boyfriend plastic surgeon that week.

If you don't know who Holly Valance is, think soap opera extra but without the talent. Precisely. Clearly though, she's billionaire wife material, above all others on earth. What makes our stock the winners of such awards? Cos if I was a billionaire looking for a wife, the channel 10 unemployment line isn't where I'd start...what is it Our Holly does so well?

only ten more years and it's all mine

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