And no, it’s not just because of that stupid first knuckle ring that Katherine Schwarzenegger is wearing on her right hand. It’s about the one on the left, her engagement to avid Hillsonger, Chris Pratt. Katherine’s brother, Patrick, had been seen at Hillsong with the Biebs, but this is serious.
Now, everybody knows there’s nothing worse than a love story but it’s not even that.
Katherine Schwarzenegger is the daughter of Arnie, obvs, and Maria Shriver. Maria Shriver, In Case You Didn’t Know, is the daughter of Eunice Kennedy and Somebody Shriver. She’s the niece of Robert Kennedy, John F. Kennedy and all of that lot. American Royalty etc.
And afterall, Kath is getting on a bit at 29, and while Catholic Maria wouldn’t have once believed in divorce, she’s never divorced her own philanderer, so you probably just have to take what you can get after a while. She narrowly avoided having Taylor Swift join the compound, so she has to take control where she can, and can you blame her? She devised all of this with Jesus, apparently.
Now clearly Katherine, as the child of a Republican Terminator and a Democrat Kennedy, dearly needs god in some shape or another. I’m glad she’s got something to cling to, unlike her great-uncle Teddy’s dates, if ya know what I’m saying. And how scary would it have been for Chris to go ask Arnold Schwarznegger if he can marry his daughter?
But who exactly IS going to explain this to Brian, who probably thinks Chappaquiddick is a place he went on a book tour in Russia? That’s right. Brian and Bobbie and all their friends and relations are going to be hanging out with Kennedys.
Chris Pratt’s fans are not happy either, cos Hillsong is homphobic. That’s evangelicals. Hillsong lets the actual Living Whores of Babylon in, or modern American Royalty you could argue, and still discriminates against LGBT, so no one was hoping for much there. How far can Hillsong worm its way into American politics now?
And how many more meaningless, drab statements from the Brainwash Tree like ‘live boldly in faith with you’ are we supposed to cope with? Is that a marriage proposal or a movie trailer for TBN?
How come they’re allowed to move in together before marriage with his ex-wife if he’s on spiritual fasts and various other gimmicks of religion? What would Rose Kennedy say? Does Brian have an opinion on Caroline Bessette-Kennedy? This is a celebrity tragedy, for me, anyway.
In the words of the great Paul Simon, I don’t find this stuff amusing anymore. Does Maria Shriver have any idea who she’s invited into the Great Curse? Hmmm, wait a minute….President John F. Kennedy did visit Houston the day before he was assassinated. There’s plenty more conspiracy theories to fly now. Someone should tell Brian who a Rothschild is.