Random Questions About the Bible #1

It's pretty much a given now that the bible is questionable, if not laughable, when used for historical or moral evidence. It's useful for nostalgia, but not much more. It befuzzles me endlessly that Christians of any branch of liberalism are able to cling to a doctrine so flawed and so necessarily evil. It is, like all the other fairytales full of cruelty and injustice. But it was part of my childhood and still carries on into our global lives, despite how wrong it proves itself to be. I literally do not know how Christians do it.

Yet, as one who was brought up in both a Judeo and Christian household, there are still questions that run through my mind. Some are scary, some funny, and many just plain random. Since the Bible doesn't add up to much, they don't mean anything. But I'm going to ask them anyway.

The obsession is all about the human body, and what you do with it, but there's so much more to the bible, that is ignored, glossed over, or glorified which is horrific, stupid, and weird. Try the Skeptics' Annotated Bible for the prime example of the information we have at our fingertips. Yet, Christians persist, unstoppably.

So, I guess I will too.

#1 Will animals be there on Judgement Day?

In Genesis 9:5 NKJV (or #newkingjamesversion just to be fancy) it says

"Surely for your lifeblood I will demand a reckoning; from the hand of every beast I will require it, and from the hand of man. From the hand of every man’s brother I will require the life of man.

Now, clearly this is a death penalty advocate's dream come true, but we're overlooking the important part. "from the hand of every beast I will require it, and from the hand of man." These seem like two different beasts. Man and the hand of every beast. Not or, or a.k.a, but and. All capable of murder one it appears.

This is all part of the speech God gave Noah when the flood was dried up and he could go back to life as it was before God changed his mind in Genesis 6, NOT 7 chapters into the whole Bible. I always found it comforting that God could make all creation and then change his mind and call it a big mistake?

So, if animals are expected to account for every time they shed human blood, then it really does change things. It means they had choice. They didn't have to kill the human but they did and God is going to make them pay. It means the lion really did attack Ziegfried or Roy or whichever one got maimed by their adoring animals.

It means that bears maul you to death in the woods for fun, and sharks genuinely love the taste of your blood. It would mean that your cat does actually purposefully vomit inside when she could go outside. It means your dog does know exactly what you're doing, and he's probably laughing at you, like you think he is.

Is this just some tiny insight into what animals can do? I mean if they have morality, they must have awareness more than we realise. Memories, ideas for a better tomorrow, and hopes to see their kids have a better life. You think you're worried about the environment?

But what's worrying me, mostly is the Judgement day issue. Maybe there's a whole animal bible that we know NOTHING about like how to make up your cave kosher, and where to pee in the park that is sacred. Who knows what other animal sins there's going to be an animal hell for? Can you imagine how long Judgment Day is going to go for them?

There's been 107 billion humans EVER, it's going to take eternity to decide whether Rover goes to an eternity of cooked meals and green fields or one where Cats reign over EVERYTHING...

Who Do You Think Facebook Is?

We need to start talking with people seriously about who they think Facebook is.

We've known and suffered for a while with the Facebook Mothers, who declare every movement of their baby like it's the invention of the wheel and their Jayden's first steps are like man walking on the moon. I'm not talking about the regular Facebook Showoffs who post endless Instagrams of their kids looking angelic, while their still attractive spouse smiles on. I'm referring to those mothers, ( and no I haven't come across too many fathers but with the innovations in IVF, I'm sure it won't be long) whose status updates are along the lines of :

 "Olivia woke up 15 minutes early from her nap. That's twice this week!

Olivia went for a walk to the park but then she spewed up so we went home.

Here's a picture of Olivia asleep with ice cream on her face.

Some of them have argued to me that they do it for their distant family. Must be a big family. Can't they email those things? Personally, I don't know where to look and one day all the Olivias of the world are going to rise up.  There will be a class action suit by the Children of The Zuckerberg. Their every bathtime moment available to the world forevermore, they will have nothing to lose.

But lately I've been wondering more about the peeps who tell me how their day was, like Facebook is their mommy. 'Got to work late today and realised I'd left my lunch at home. Only had $1 on me in cash and the cafeteria doesn't take cards. I can't believe how dumb that is.'

OK.

Sorry honey, Mama will fix you a big dinner when you get home? I mean what are we supposed to say to these people? I don't think they're there for honesty.

Or "I've decided to go on a raw food diet so I can lose weight and get healthy. I'll probably eat vegetables mostly, but also some grains that don't need cooking."  Congratulations?

"Just got in from a run. I feel great."  Good for you. I just did the grocery shopping. Wanna know what discounts I picked up?

Why not?

Cause it's boring. Check yourself, people. If you think there's some way the reader could actually relate to your announcements, post away. But if you're searching for someone to find pleasure in your most humdrum activities, spare the rest of us and call your mum, or grandma or whoever it is that you need that hair tussle from.

Who are you talking to when you press Post?

Melbourne Cup Day! - or Whip a Horse For Money Day!

Being Australian has grown in status enormously since back in the convict era. It's still reasonably exotic, and you could almost take it seriously if it weren't for occasions like Melbourne Cup Day.  A public holiday in the state of Victoria, an economically ridiculous concept, its 3 minute focus is premised on gambling, drunkenness, and animal cruelty. The fashion is unspeakable, rife with opportunities for women to be tarty coat hangers, and best left alone.

Oh, and before you think I'm just being a party pooper again, let me assure you.  There's been a whole lot of gambling going on in my family since before you were born. My grandfather owned racehorses. I spent many Saturdays of my younger years, Best Bets in tow, with my much older brother in the thick smoke filled TAB's of Australia listening to grown men mumble amongst themselves and shhhh as the race started. and then call out "TTSSSS" "TSSSSSS" during the race. It is a sound I have never heard outside of racing, and it warms my heart as I think back upon my childhood.  I loved a good day out at the track as the next 7 year old.  I thought everyone had a bookie.

No, there's nothing we like better in my extended family than a good gamble. But as a nation that is desperately striving, like Naomi Watts did with Nicole Kidman's shadow, to be taken seriously in the world, why reinforce the drunken neanderthal stereotype again? There's lovable larrikin and then there's just idiot.

The animal cruelty involved is not something I'm cracking open a Foster's over myself. Weren't we all running around hysterical about the sheep on the boats? Read more here about the ways Victoria knows better but doesn't care. As the author says, "You cannot love horses and support horseracing."

Why do cheer on the competitive whipping of such fine creatures by short men with eating disorders? Gambling. The government makes billions. What a great day of revenue it is for them.

Never mind the glaring fact that Australia has 20% of the world's poker machines. Gambling is enormous and so is problem gambling.  It's a massive employment, family and community issue. Like alcohol abuse. There is the expectation though, on Melbourne Cup Day upon each and every citizen to drink and gamble, the more excessively, the better. Bosses EXPECT their staff to be ill or absent the day after. Why would there be all these social sanctions on getting drunk and blowing your money every other day, except the 1st Tuesday in November?

Except, it's the same for ANZAC Day, too, only with out the barbarism. Also Australia Day. New Year's Eve/Day and that week if not most of January. And in some families, Christmas and Easter. How confusing for the alkies and the pensioners.

But what about the sex addicts or the crackheads who want a day too?  How come only the drunks and the gamblers get a special day? There's no equality in this land.

Does anyone have Guy Sebastian's number?

There's trouble in Paradise. I know, but I couldn't resist. Guy Sebastian has announced that he can no longer tolerate the 'dogmatic' teachings of his old Pentecostal alma mater, Paradise Community Church. 

Now, this is major for Guy. He was Dolly the Sheep for the Assemblies of God Church. After all those years and millions that had gone into their music production, finally one of the Hillsong type clones had made it onto the main scene in music. On TV, where all good Christians belong.

Paradise Church is run by Ashley Evans, son of Andrew Evans, former Family First MP in South Australia. Ashley inherited the church having served his time as youth pastor, and from all accounts joined himself to Guy's hip following his Australian Idol success.

I wondered what they did with Guy backstage at church, how much they had groomed him, encouraged him, or did they place the burden of the world's salvation on his shoulders? The pressure to bring attention to Paradise, South Australia as well as to Jesus must have been incredible.

But Guy Sebastian turned out to be talented, likable and not shy of the constant criticism of his faith. His success grew larger than the church's support, and he no longer needs Ashley Evans's prayers or the congregation's hopes to see him through.

It must be a huge move for him to announce this publicly while looking back on the people who trained him up in the way he should go. I really need to have a chat with him.